


to hope to be

by Paradise_of_Mary_Jane



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Christmas, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, JamesLilyFest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-24
Updated: 2017-07-24
Packaged: 2018-12-06 04:16:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11592747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Paradise_of_Mary_Jane/pseuds/Paradise_of_Mary_Jane
Summary: Their guests arrive at a quarter past five, a full hour before they’re meant to. It’s a testament to James’ powers of persuasion and desperation that Remus and Sirius arrive together, and that Peter arrives at all. Still, Lily can’t help but frowning playfully when she sees them come through the fireplace. She adjusts the hold she has on Harry so that she’ll see them better.“You’re early,” she says. “Dinner’s not ready yet.”





	to hope to be

**Author's Note:**

> A huge thanks to the mods of [jameslilyfest](http;//jameslilyfest.tumblr.com) and to my beta [wotcherpotter](http://wotcherpotter.tumblr.com) for making this fic possible!! You guys are amazing<33

_ It's Christmas Eve. It's the one night of the year when we all act a little nicer, we smile a little easier, we cheer a little more. For a couple of hours out of the whole year we are the people that we always hoped we would be." - Scrooged _

 

 

 

James is, in one word, frantic.

Lily’s always thought of him as a whirlwind of a man, flitting from one thought, one move, one step to the next to try and burn through the endless pools of energy he seems to have. Fatherhood has mellowed him out, somewhat, as did going into hiding. The two of them learn to live with boredom, to get used to it, and embrace its cold arms, just so they won’t end up killing each other from it. Still, it is apparently not enough to quell his excitement, or his anxiety.

He is moving through the house, waving his wand madly, straightening cushions, and whipping the kitchen into an organized chaos that only he can understand. Lily mostly keeps out of his way because there is a manic delight in James’ eyes that seems too fragile and she doesn’t have the heart to stop him. 

She coos at Harry, carrying him in her arms and whispering stories in his ears. He’s not hard to entertain and Lily makes it her daily goal to make him laugh and smile and keep the expression on his face. James likes to pretend he’s better at it with his pretty lights and endless energy but Harry always reaches for her arms in the end, tugging at her hair and laughing at her stories. She doubts that he understands then, but he always laughs so easily, so lightly, and it brings a lightness in her chest that she doesn’t usually feel these days.

Sometimes, she has to stop the urge from whispering her less happier secrets into Harry’s ears; he won’t understand them, just smile and laugh and love her if she says them in a cheerful enough voice. Harry is so free with his love in a way that the world isn’t anymore; Lily craves it more than anything else.

The two of them are going just a bit too stir-crazy, really. Company would be good. Friends would be better.

Visitors are too dangerous most of the time but James had begged, and Lily was on the verge of dragging their friends into the house with or without Dumbledore’s permission, and no one could stop the two of them whenever they put their mind to something. It was Christmas and no one should be lonely on Christmas.

The house has felt too empty too much and none of them had ever really dealt with with emptiness. Lily feels something between the two of them flickering out of existence. She’s clawing to keep it, to keep what they had, but it’s slipping through her fingers like sand.

Their guests arrive at a quarter past five, a full hour before they’re meant to. It’s a testament to James’ powers of persuasion and desperation that Remus and Sirius arrive together, and that Peter arrives at all. Still, Lily can’t help but frowning playfully when she sees them come through the fireplace. She adjusts the hold she has on Harry so that she’ll see them better.

“You’re early,” she says. “Dinner’s not ready yet.”

Sirius’ smile comes as easy and as languid as ever. He holds out his arms and Lily automatically hands Harry over. Sometimes, Lily could swear her son preferred his godfather’s company to theirs.

“Hello there little one,” Sirius positively coos. “I brought you a little present and you’ll hide it from your mummy, won’t you? I’m afraid she won’t like it very much.”

“That better not be a toy broom Black.”

“It’s a toy broom,” Remus says. Sirius gives him a reproachful look.

“You’re not allowed to--”

“I swear it’s safe. James had one when he was a kid.”

“Sirius Black you will not be turning my son into a quidditch obsessed nerd like his father!”

Sirius merely smiles at her and Lily tries not to smile in excitement of the image of Harry zooming around the house on his toy broom, shrieking with delight. It would be a wonderful change of pace, at any rate.

“Now where is the food, Evans?” Sirius demands playfully. “I have been here a good two minutes and I have not been fed yet.”

“You and your food,” Remus mutters.

“There’s no food yet, Sirius,” Lily sighs. She turns away so he doesn’t see her smile.

“I’m sure you and and James have  _ something  _ to feed us, Evans. You know I’m not picky,” he says.

“Potter now,” Lily corrects. “Really Sirius, I’d have thought you’d have remembered the most important moment of your best friend’s life. And the mother of your beloved godson.”

Sirius’ grin merely widens. His hands are all over Harry, tickling him in all the right places until he’s a giggling mess. Peter snickers and Remus rolls his eyes. There’s something tense and uncomfortable in the way the three of them are not quite standing right next to each other, the way their shoulders aren’t brushing so easily in the way they used to.

“You’d think you’d grow out of that ridiculous stomach of yours after four years out of Hogwarts, Sirius,” he says. “And yet.” Lily tenses, almost involuntarily, but Sirius only turns his lazy smile towards Remus. His smile is wide enough that it almost seems real. His posture is relaxed as Harry is cooing happily in his arms.

“Isn’t that more of a reason to grow into it, though,” he muses. “I do think I’ve missed the house elves’ cooking.”

“You are insufferable.”

“I always am.”

“Lily love, what’s happening?” James calls from the kitchen.

“Your friends are here!” Lily shouts back.

There’s a crash, followed by a lot of cursing that Lily thinks she should be mildly concerned about, followed by James practically running into the living room, breathless, eyes wide open.

“You bastards,” he says. “You bastards had me stress cooking the entire week and you’re going to arrive today an hour early as if nothing’s happened. Well, what do you all have to say for yourselves?” he demands.

The four of them stare at each other for a long time. Lily crosses her arms over her chest, taking a gentle seat on the couch. She reaches for Harry and sits him down on her lap. She’s never had the same connection as they have with each other, could never read the apologies and demands within each flicker of their eyes, and that’s alright. She loves all four of them in her own way, let them love each other in theirs.

“Nice to see you too, Prongs,” Sirius says. “Happy Christmas.”

“We wanted to surprise you,” Peter says, eyes on the floor. “It was Moony’s idea actually and--” and before anyone could react, James is throwing himself at his three friends with the desperation of a man drowning. The four of them collapse on a heap on the floor, arms tangled around each other, and it’s almost impossible to tell where one person began and the other ended.

“If you bastards ever put me through that again I swear to Merlin…” There was a breathlessness in James’ voice that only ever came when he was on the verge of tears.

“Well then,” she says. “Who’s up for a snack?”

\--

The dinner is... in simple terms, an unmitigated disaster. Lily isn’t exactly surprised but she can tell how heartbroken James is, even as he tries to salvage the situation. There’s no salvaging it, especially after Sirius storms away, rapidly followed by Remus. Peter has the grace to say goodbye but after that, nothing.

They haven’t been friends in a long time. War does that to people, apparently; and loneliness. It should break Lily’s heart but she’s lost friends before and now, she is just very, very tired.

(It had broken James’ heart, but then, he’s always been stronger than her in that respect. Strong enough to keep his heart open and fragile no matter how many times it gets broken.)

\--

Lily finds James panicking in the broom cupboard.

(He always hides away. James is full to the bursting with charming grins and open arms and glinting eyes and people adore that about him, but James is only human and everything runs out eventually. He’s not used to not being able to give everyone what they want.)

She looks for him after Harry has been safely tucked away in bed, exhausted after so much crying. He hadn’t understood what was happening but he understood enough to know that people were upset and he never dealt well with people who were upset. He’d sleep for hours, undisturbed.

When she finds James tucked into the cupboard, breath hitching and shoulders shaking, she can’t help it, she wraps her arms around him and tucks her chin against his shoulder. It’s a tight fit but they manage.

“It’s not your fault,” Lily murmurs. James doesn’t believe her but that’s alright; she can believe enough for the two of them. He likes catching up with her, anyway.

“I hate this,” James mumbles.   
  


“I do too,” Lily says. “They tried their best, James but… Let’s go to the bedroom, yeah?”

James nods silently. Lily manages to drag him into the bedroom. He collapses onto the bed the moment they get there. Lily follows slowly and much more surely.

“I just,” James says when they get there. “I thought it’d be like old times, you know? It’s Christmas. We were always happy during Christmas.”

“We’re not at Hogwarts anymore.”

“I know.” James sighs, running a hand through his. “I really wish we were.”

Lily smiles and wraps her hands around James’ body. Sometimes, she wishes that, too. She wishes for a lot of things, but wishes are for children and sometimes, she feels very grown up. James leans into her touch automatically and presses a kiss to her fingers.

“Remember our last Christmas there? You blew up the Great Hall.”

“We didn’t blow it up,” James protests weakly. 

“There were fireworks.”

“Exactly! We just put on a show! There was no harm done.”

“It was the first time you proposed to me,” Lily says. She’s sitting behind James now, idly stroking his hair. “In front of the entire Great Hall. You got down on one knee and had a diamond ring. It was mortifying.”

“In my defense,” James says, “I didn’t know what it meant at the time.”

Lily bursts out into laughter. It feels heavier than the way she laughed earlier but it was laughter; she knows by now to treasure every laugh she makes. She tucks her chin against James’ shoulder.

“Never should have taken you to see that movie,” she says. “I thought it was obvious.”

“It wasn’t,” James says mournfully, shaking his head. “It really wasn’t. I expected you to scream in delight and kiss me, not run away. It looked romantic.”

“We were seventeen,” Lily says. “Who gets married at seventeen?”

“I didn’t want to get married!”

Lily smiles. “Neither did I,” she says. “At the time.”

She didn’t end up getting married at seventeen; she’d run away and didn’t speak to James for a week until he’d managed to stutter out an explanation about how he had no idea it meant  _ that.  _ It’s the sort of ridiculously ignorant mistake that a pureblood who grew up with completely no idea how muggles work, and so endearingly  _ James  _ that she couldn’t help but smile and kiss him.

(It turned out that nearly half the school hadn’t understood it either. She didn’t know if the information made her want to laugh or cry.)

“We got married either way,” James says. “So what does it matter?”

They did, only two years later. She doesn’t know if that makes it better or worse. Maybe they were impulsive children who hadn’t known better or maybe they fought for their love in a war that wanted to tear it apart.

“Yes, you eventually said yes.”

“I could never say no to you.” He punctuates this by pressing a kiss to her cheek.

“Now you’re sounding more like your old self,” she says.

“I don’t know what that means,” James says.

“Me neither, to be honest.”

“Hmm.” James’ fingers tighten on her arm. There’s a long time when neither of them say anything, just hold each other. It’s a rare moment of peace; she can’t quite remember a time where they were just able to sit there, being together, not needing to say anything. It’s a thing from the past; something from their childhood. Lily would give anything to get it back but no, there’s no going back now. They only have wishes and dreams now.

Only memories.

“Do you ever want to go back?” James asks quietly. “To Hogwarts?”

“Sometimes.” Sometimes, the want is so great that it hurts to breathe, where she was younger and happier and freer. 

James sighs softly. “Me too.”

“James?”

“Hmm?”

“Happy Christmas,” Lily whispers. 

“Happy Christmas, Lils.” James’ body melts against hers, like she’s carrying a part of his soul in her. “Here’s to having happier ones.”

“We’re here now,” Lily says. “It’s Christmas. Do you regret it?”

“No,” James says. “I just wish we had more time.”

Lily holds onto him. Sometimes, it feels like the only thing she can do. 

“We will,” she says and tries to believe it. “We will.”

**Author's Note:**

> Come check me out on [tumblr](http://pdfcct.tumblr.com)!


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